You know I started to write this with a fairly good idea of where I was going with it. But as i’ve written it and read it all back to myself, I can’t help but feel differently. I kinda wish I hadn’t dredged it up again. But, in the words of Magnus Magnuson “i’ve started so i’ll finish.”
In the weeks that followed, everyone took on the best possible attitude and went back to normal, and carried on going to the park. Everyone that is except me. First of all it started with a few excuses, “i feel i’ll, I said i’d help my dad with something, it’s my moms birthday.” They held weight for a while, but it wasn’t long before I started to run out of ailments, chores and birthdays!
People noticed of course, how could they not. My parents especially, I’d gone from a boy who was never in and trying to stay out as late as he could, to the kid wouldn’t go out unless he deemed it “safe”
I wouldn’t admit it for ages, until long after I was over it, but I was kinda agoraphobic. I wouldn’t go as far to say it was full blown huddled in a corner of a dark room while rocking gently agoraphobia but it was some form of it.
The park was now a no go area, day or night. I got lifts to places like Roy’s house and Roy lived a 5 minute walk away. But I wouldn’t go to Roy’s unless I knew we were staying in, I pretty much wasted a whole year of my life, i’ll never get that back.
There’s one incident in particular that I regret. My friends, who were absolute saints for sticking by me, had obviously grown tired of my pathetic over the phone excuses. they came round one night to get me out. My dad told me they were at the door, I came downstairs and I was suddenly revisited by an older feeling.
As I stood in the doorway and all I could think of was that day that Gary had called for me and lead me into the park to get my ass kicked. I managed to bluff my way out of it and ended up staying in and disappointing my friends once again.
I hated myself for thinking that about them, hell I still do when I think about it now. When I think of all the stuff my friends have done for me over the years. It makes my blood boil to think I thought they could do something like that to me.
I don’t think i’ve ever told them that. So i’ll say it now to the three friends who only had my best intentions at heart that night on my doorstep. John, Roy, Darren I’m sorry. I handled the whole situation badly, I should have been stronger and put more trust in my friends. I guess I just made myself paranoid.
I got better of course, when we turned 18 we go to pubs. I felt safe in pubs, lots of people around, it was inside and I could blend into the crowd and keep myself to myself. I stated going to a different college to that was the other side of Birmingham. Going in and out of a busy city centre every day helped me no end, and the fact that I studied drama for three years gradually nursed my confidence back to health.
The scars are still there, I can’t say i’d walk through the park on my own after dark, and I don’t exactly embrace going out on my own at night either. Certain situations bring back that feeling in my gut, but its mild and i’m more headstrong nowadays. Plus i’m 23 now, I don’t see myself as a target for groups of angry 17 year olds with no respect for other people. But I still try not to push my luck if I can help it.
I’m trying to think of a way to close this and sum it up. All I can think of is that none of it matters now, it’s all in the past. I could be angry and John Williams and Russell Slade, but chances are most people had a John and a Russell at some stage. I could be angry at the guys who chased us out of the park that day, but what’s the point. I could of passed them all in the street today and i wouldn’t have known.
To say I don’t regret the things that happened would be wrong, I can’t change a single thing. (that’s physics for ya!) I prefer to think that if it didn’t happen I wouldn’t have the friends that I do today, wouldn’t be the same person I am today. Just think I could still be friends with John Williams or Gary. I wonder if they would have stuck by me through all that park shit, I have to say I don’t think they would.
The other day I didn’t think that writing this had been a good idea, what with dredging it all up again. But it’s made realise a few things now. I think i’ve got a very good intuition for reading people. I guess that was a self defense mechanism I gained and I can usually sense when the shits gonna hit the fan and get out of there.
I suppose that this has been my inner demon, I just didn’t want to face up to it. If that’s all I have to face up to in my life then i’m truly grateful, it’s not a patch on what some people go through. But we’ve all got them, fears I mean. Not like spiders or heights, but something that isn’t really tangible, something that’s more personal to you. You’ll probably make it into something it’s not, That’s why you have to face them head on. I can’t say i’ve done that properly yet, but i’m trying.
